Busy Baby

This little tyke has become very mobile just in the last week.  Before I would only feel her moving a couple times throughout the day, usually after a meal and for only a half an hour or so.  But now, she's punching and kicking and bucking all over the place at all hours of the day and night.  I can tell she's already bigger than what the baby websites say babies at 23 weeks are "normally" because one second I feel her bulge out just below my spleen/stomach area and the next second she kicks down by my appendix.  She's no joke.  I wonder if this is an omen to how active she will be once freed from her fleshy cage.  I am definitely anticipating months of colic, severe sleep deprivation, and depression (for me).  I feel bad for Jacob already.  I suck enough when having slightly fitfull nights of sleep, let alone NO sleep with a screaming, kicking baby.  We shall see.  Pray for me, people.  Pray that I get an angel child.  Pray that I can manage to finish school without going on Zoloft and becoming a full-fledged alcoholic. (I'm only half-serious about that.)  Pray that Jacob doesn't leave my disgruntled ass. (I know he wouldn't, but we've never had a baby either.)  The closer the due date gets, the more terrified I become.  I'm still not convinced my personality is suited for motherhood.  I like fuzzy kitties who sleep all day and purr.  Can babies do that?

More??

Now nearing the end of my fifth month, I thought I had another few months before my boobs became even more engorged. I was wrong.  They are growing - again!  Not that I mind, really.  But I can't fit into any bras...so I have to buy more.  THEY'RE ENORMOUS.  (for me, anyway. Not to some other people.) I don't know how women with big boobs do it.

how much is too much?

As you all know, I struggle with the concept that I will be gaining weight during this whole experience.  I have heard that women of "normal" weight should only gain between 25-35 pounds throughout their entire pregnancy.  So, at only 21 weeks into this, I've gained 20 pounds.  With around 20 more weeks to go, that puts me over the 40 pound mark by the end of it all. Boo - hissssss.

Then I got to thinking (in order for me to feel better about that number), "Was I within that normal range when I started?"  On one site, for my height, the "healthy" range was between 131-160 pounds.  On another, for my height, weight, and age, the ideal range was 136-179.  That's quite a vast difference.  And seeing as how I was on the lower end at 136 when I started, I figured that maybe I could allow myself some extra L.B.s and not feel bad.  Imagine if I had started at 160!  By the end I might have weight 200 pounds!  It's a good thing I make my health and fitness a priority.  So, maybe I was closer to the "underweight" category than I thought (though, I felt and looked healthy in my eyes), which means that I can gain more weight (like up to 45 pounds) without putting my health at risk.  BUT - that is still hopefully not going to be the end result, as the more I gain, the more those nasty stretch marks will destroy any remnants of self-esteem I have left, if any.

Of course, sitting on my ass most of the day doing homework (and blogging) does not help the cause.  And feeling nauseated for so long did not help the cause. Thankfully that seems to be tapering off again.  I'll definitely be happy when this is all over and I can resume my normal level of activity.  (will that ever happen again, or am I kidding myself??)  Luckily, I have a wonderful husband who supports my priority of fitness, so I think he'll be a massive help and source of encouragement to help me return to my prepregnancy weight (or at least close to).  And, also, I don't want to have to buy a whole new wardrobe. 

All I know is, though I have no stretch marks yet, my skin feels awfully tight already.  I think I might actually cry the day I see my first purple streak snaking across my abdomen. DAMN YOU, GENES!  DAMN YOU FAIR SKIN! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL! 

HOWEVER - I have heard that taller women have easier birthing experiences. Who knows why?  So, in that case, thanks to mom for picking dad and his 6'4" frame.  Thanks to God for blessing me with more of my dad's physicality.  I'm praying that will be the case and this little girl will just squirt her way out in no time.

20 weeks. HALF WAY!

I have definitely started to notice more movement, and have actually felt the little bugger through my skin.

I can't believe I'm only 4.5 months from becoming a parent.  It's surreal and I don't know if I am reacting "normally" to this.  I have yet to feel excited. More scared shitless and nervous that I will become a psycho baby-shaker.  People tell me I'll be a good mom, but they don't see me at my worst when I have had no sleep and I'm stressed beyond my limits...it's a bit scary.

AAAAHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhh - weird!

Last night I'm sitting, reading on my couch, and I can feel this baby flipping around. It is so incredibly creepy - like an alien has inhabited my body, sucking my life's blood like a parasite so it can grow and destroy its incubator.  I wondered if I could see any of these tiny blasts of ammunition it has been unleashing on me.  I exposed my belly, watching the surface as if I was watching for the ever-elusive humpback to make its breech, when I see a small lump burst out and retreat just as quickly.  HOLY MOSES.  I mean, I KNOW there's a baby in there - I've seen the ultrasounds - but it's a whole other story to actually FEEL it and then SEE evidence on my body that something IS IN THERE...

Well shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh**

Just when I thought I was headed out of the woods with this morning sickness business, I wake up yesterday to more nausea and a gurgling gut.  This is now the second day in a row that I have felt more nauseated than in the past couple weeks - and it's constant, as usual.  No amount of food or drink, gum or mint, will save me.  I'm SO SICK OF THIS SHHHHHHH**.  It certainly doesn't help that I'm more emotional and I actually cried last night about it. No, I'm not ashamed.  Should I be?  How would you feel if you were nauseous all day long every day for, let's see, oh 14 weeks straight?  Yeah.  Thanks, pregnancy.  You rule.  It figures I would be one of the few who has morning sickness this long - and probably will throughout the whole damn thing. 

Bleh.